Domestic Violence

Why Victims Stay

People who are not abused might find it difficult to understand why anyone would stay in a violent relationship. Victims are often blamed. Some people falsely believe that if a person stays in an abusive relationship, she or he must be weak or needy. This is not true of victims of domestic violence.

The issue is more complex than simply leaving or staying. People stay for many reasons. Remember, abusers use psychological, emotional, and physical abuse along with apologies, promises, and affection to control their victims. The victim is often confused and holds on to the hope that the batterer will change. The batterer may ask for forgiveness, make promises to stop, and be affectionate and doting. Along with painful times, there may be loving moments and happy memories. The abuser may be a good provider or parent.

Abused women and men are often depressed and emotionally drained from the ongoing conflict. Abusers try to isolate victims from family and friends so that the victims do not have anyone to support them if they do leave. Victims often feel tremendous shame and embarrassment and use denial as a way of coping with the abuse.

Since money is often tightly controlled, a woman may fear losing financial support and may question how she will be able to support herself and her children. She may even fear losing child custody. In some cases, religious counselors, relatives, or friends may encourage women to stay to keep the family together.

Immigrant women might stay in an abusive relationship because they are afraid of being deported. Not being fluent in English might also be a challenge for immigrant women. Women who are elderly or have disabilities may not feel they have any other options than to stay with their abusive partner.

A woman may realistically believe that it is more dangerous to leave than to stay. In many cases, the abuser has threatened to kill her, himself, or the children if she tries to leave. (This is also true of men who are abused.) In fact, a woman is at increased risk of stalking, attempted murder, and murder after she leaves an abusive relationship.⁴ About 33% of women who are murdered and 4% of men who are murdered are killed by a former or current intimate partner.²

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Author:	Jeannette Curtis	Last Updated: March 20, 2008
Medical Review:	William M. Green, MD - Emergency Medicine Brigid McCaw, MD, MS, MPH, FACP - Family Violence Prevention
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